


Let go of the Light

by The_Mother_Of_Monsters



Category: Star Wars
Genre: Abuse, Alcoholism, Choking, Dark, Darkside - Freeform, Death, F/M, Fights, Fluff, Friendship, Funny, Graphic, Prostitution, Rape, Self Harm, Sexual Assault, Slow Burn, Smoking, The Force, body harm, domestic abuse, relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-07-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:47:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24290785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Mother_Of_Monsters/pseuds/The_Mother_Of_Monsters
Summary: The first order has taken over, the resistance is rising. You however are steering clear of all the warfare and riots during this time.You’ve migrated to Jakku and just trying to lay low and get on with your now simple life.You have no memories of your past, it has all become blurry images. Have you forgotten? Did something happen? Or is something stopping you from remembering?Things are about to change and a TIE Silencer has crash landed on the outskirts of Jakku.
Relationships: Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/Reader, Ben Solo/Reader, Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/You
Kudos: 11





	1. Sandstorm

Chapter 1 - Sandstorm

34ABY

You adjusted you goggles. They felt hot and tight against your face leaving deep imprints around your eyes. Baby hairs stuck to your forehead mixing with the beads of sweat forming. It felt like the hottest day in months, the weather here in Jakku is unforgiving. You sighed heavily as you looked around the barren, sand covered wasteland then to the remains of a Y-Wing. Not a soul to be seen. The carcass of the ship had already been scavenged, mostly the skeleton left. Climbing inside, the metal was hot against your bare fingertips as you grazed them against the corse rough metal. You had to find something today, your stomach let out an aggressive gurgle. It had been 4 days without any credits now and the pains accompanied by hunger were setting in. The deeper you ventured, the more claustrophobic you started to feel. The air becoming more humid and putting pressure on your chest.

”Not now!” You muttered sternly to yourself. “You need to find something today, someone must of missed something.”

Stars started to dance within your vision and you struggled to grab for support as you felt the weight of your body sway forwards. Sand scratched at your damp palms, stinging as the fine grains dragged at your skin. Breath was force punched out of you during your collision with the ground. A dry heave escaped your mouth, knees and hands rooted to the floor, sweat drowning your body as your clothes warp to your body. Trying not to panic you lower your forehead to the floor, a sob caught in your throat.

”what a way to go,” eyes close silence fills the space around you. _Breathe in... 1... 2... 3... 4... Breathe out... 1... 2..._

 _CRASH..._ The Y-Wing vibrates and creaked as the floor shook. Debris and sand clumps fell from above you, littering your slumped body and sticking to your hair.

”What in the galaxy was that?!” You muttered, easing yourself to your feet and scrambling back through the rebel ship skeleton.

Thick smoke and the stench of burning melting filled your nostrils, several meters away you saw the black clouds rising from the ground. Clumsily putting one foot in front of the other you staggered over to the crash. _Surely the pilot couldn’t of survived this._ You thought to yourself approaching the mass of molten engines and bright orange flames licking at the black pointed wing of the ship.

A roar emerged from the crash sight, the sound was indescribable. The only resemblance was what you’d imagine an angered Rancor to sound like. You knew you should of walked away but guiltily the first thought that crossed your mind was all the credits you’d get for the parts from a TIE Silencer. _Why in the Hutt is a TIE Silencer doing here?!_ Approaching with caution you looked through the red glazed window, no pilot. The only sound was the crackling of flames, violent, angry and dangerous. They needed to be extinguished if you were to have any hope in scavenging for those credits. Hauling your leather satchel around your body you pulled out your Rathtar tooth shovel. Diving it into the ground and flinging as much sand as you could into the mouth of the fire. A new found energy built within you, credits, food was within your reach! Your muscles screamed for you to stop but you couldn’t now, the fire was almost out. Crackling had reduced to low clicks, the heat was bearable to endure, the smoke no longer black but a weak grey. 

A laugh escaped your mouth, a wide grin spread across your face. You’d done it.

”What do you think you’re doing?!” Hissed a modulated, inhumane voice.

Your body tensed as your head whipped around to behind you. A dark figured towered over you as you were stuck to the spot. Your head moved to look above you before your eyes followed suit. If you were sweating already, now you were drenched. A lone bead of sweat trailed down your dirt embedded cheek.

”P-p-putting out the fire.” You whisperer, your fingerers automatically finding their way to the loose thread at the bottom of your shawl.

Your eyes quickly scanned the silhouette before you. Dark looming figure, tall, broad shoulders, black. Head to toe in black, unforgiving leather gloves covered balled hands. Then there was the mask, smooth, with a modulator covering the mouth and along the top joining the visor a crack you could only imagine was created on the impact the ship made.

”And your intentions after?” The voice made your blood run cold.


	2. Chapter 2 - The Devil Himself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember guys, slow burn! I finally got my laptop so expect more frequent uploads!

Chapter 2 – The Devil Himself

Like a Fathier in ship lights your eyes widened and heart palpitated, you clutched your chest in fear your heart might just burst through your ribcage. A cold sweat beading on your forehead and down your neck as you stared at the cold, emotionless mask before you. Broad shoulders heaving steadily. The towering frame. Black mass taking up your vision. You wished the black smothering your eyesight was your body shutting down, unfortunately it was not the case. Your pulse ran through your eardrums. _Bad-um, Bad-um, Bad-um._ The rate was almost inhuman.

A modulated monotone sound filled your ears, almost like an alien growl. “Am I speaking to a brain dead Jawa?” The voice spat.

No matter how terrified you may be, no-one spoke to you like that. “What did you call me?!” Adrenaline coursed through your veins, your heart rate accelerating, fingertips feeling numb.

Silence came from the monster in front of you. With two strides he was standing before you, towering above you and fists in calls by his sides. It was obvious his whole body was tense; he was almost vibrating.

“Must I repeat myself?” He spat.

You craned your neck to try and look at the masked monster. Tipping your head back you lost your balance, arse colliding with the grainy ground beneath you. Your body was already weak, tired and this topple hurt a lot more than it should of as pain spread from your coccyx up your back.

“Must you be so insulting?” You volleyed. _Arsehat,_ you thought to yourself.

Suddenly his hand extended out and an immense pressure surrounded your throat, panic overwhelmed you as you clawed at the invisible entity but making no difference. The pressure was increasing, and your eyes bulged as oxygen couldn’t enter or leave your lungs. Wide eyed and purple faced you stared at the mask. _Please. Stop._ You mouthed. Black spots started to dance around your vision and eyes began to roll when the ghost of a hand released from your neck. You gasped and gulped as much of that precious oxygen as you could, greedily you devoured it in big inhales laying back in the sand.

“I suggest you watch your mouth.” He snarled. “And your thoughts.”

Head tilted to the side you looked up at him. _Why did I leave the Y-Wing?_ You thought to yourself. Your lungs still burned with each inhale, clearing your throat you finally spoke.

“I wasn’t expecting anyone to survive that crash.” You waited, no response. So, you continued “So I was going to use the ship parts for credits. Happy?”

Leather squeaked as his hand clenched and unclenched. Stead deep breaths rattled through the mask as he paced before you. Your brows furrowed, _was he always this on edge? If you knew any better this erratic behaviour made you think he was injured or at least a little concussed. It would make sense with that fail of a landing._

“I thought I told you to watch your thoughts?!” He roared, picking you up with the invisible hands by the collar of your top.

You winced as he brought you within his eyeline of his mask, bringing you so close your eyes scanned the visor to see if you could see the monster beyond the mask; but all you could see was a black abyss.

Your legs kicked at the air, at least a meter above the ground. “Let go of me!” Your voice squeaked as your fists collided with the stone of a chest. _That’s going to bruise!_ You didn’t expect him to be that hard. A laugh, you were sure you heard a smug Ha! Come through the mask which made you instantly freeze. Eyes searched the mask again.

“Are you done?” The mechanical voice said before dropping you with no warning.

_THUD!_ Back on your arse you went. “Did you have to drop me?” You snarled rubbing your bruised tailbone.

The leader of the First Order sauntered past you, cloak billowing like a black blanket of death behind him. He seemed to be scanning the horizons. Supposedly disappointed you heard an agitated sigh forced through the mask. All the was around the two of you was the Y-Wing skeleton, his battered ship and not too far away a sandstone hut. Your sandstone hut.

“Found what your looking for?” you asked getting yourself to your feet. Every move you made your muscles screamed. _I really need a soak this is going to feel so much worse in the morning_ , you internally whined to yourself.

“Nearest port?” he responded cold as ever, leather fists balled once again.

Sighing you replied, “Too far in this heat. Both of us aren’t in the greatest of shape since this encounter.”

He was fast. Faster than you expected as he spun on the spot and bounded towards you again. Before he was upon you, you blurted out, “I can fix you and your ship up!” He stopped a meter from you, interest sparked. “Then we can both pretend this never happened.”

You imagined beyond that mask he was scanning you up and down, thinking over what you had just offered. Trying to figure out if you were lying and this was an attempt to trick him into a trap or if you were being genuine.

To try and ease his thoughts you assumed he was thinking you continued, “Look there are some parts compatible from that old Y-Wing to fix your engine blades, I have a first aid kit to patch you up and hopefully you have something more edible on your ship than the sand that’s in my place.”

He must have been in thought; mask tilted before he strode past you. Hand extended the ships ramp creaked open, fog billowing out of its compressors. He was back as soon as he was gone, walking towards your hut. You could only assume this was him consenting to the offer. Your feet pounded the ground, spraying sand behind you as you had to jog/run just to catch up to him and stay at his pace.

As you approached your sandstone hut you began to panic feeling embarrassed of your small grubby home. Just the diameter of it was pathetic, a nine by nine-foot sand dome, only just a few inches taller than yourself and you were not the tallest of people. He probably had bathtubs bigger than this back on his ship. You’d reached the entrance and he stopped, hands behind his back watching your every move. Suddenly feeling self-conscious you held your breath as you rummaged in your satchel for your door card. Fingers grazed against metal parts, sand, lots of sand and all other miscellaneous bits; but you were struggling to find the damn door card! _Maybe you hadn’t put it in there_ , you worried to yourself as you patted yourself down. Humiliation clouded you as you realised where it was. Gingerly you reached into your upper undergarments and pulled out the card, coughing awkwardly as you saw from the corner of your eye and the most feared man in the galaxy was watching.

“Let’s go in,” you cringed as you swiped the card through the security device. You could feel his stare burning a hole in the back of your head as he followed.

He ducked to get through the door. _Damn, he must have to have specially built doorways._ You chuckled to yourself imagining how less intimidating he seemed hunched over in a variety of places and scenarios. Leather rubbing against leather squeaked behind you, instantly shutting up your mind.

You pulled a chair out in your kitchenette wavering your hand, silently inviting him to sit whilst you pulled out a fabric carrier from under the sink.

“Do you really live in this filth?” grunted begrudgingly sitting and head scanning the room.

“Hey, one mans trash is another mans treasure. Besides some of us don’t choose to live like this.” You snapped. _Lies, you chose to live like this. I your defence you didn’t realise how hard and laborious it would be, but you chose this._

“Hm.” Was all he responded with.

Starting to get ticked of you dropped the carrier in front of him on your breakfast bar and leaned against it staring at him impatiently. “Well..?” You waited but nothing except him facing you with that damn mask. “Seriously, you can’t be that dense. Mask off.” Dread drowned you. _Big mistake, big fucking mistake!_ He growled, he literally growled pulling you by your collar, so close you could see your breath on his mask. “Sorry!” you squealed instantly, throwing your hands up defensively and squeezing your eyes shut. He released you as quickly as he’d grabbed you.

“Remember who you’re speaking to!” he muttered, emphasizing the who. “The mask stays on.”

“How am I supposed to check you over if you won’t remove your damn mask?” you argued with reason.

A moment passed and he bowed his head. You thought he was going to put up a fight until you heard a click and a hiss, then the thud of his mask being dropped onto the table.


	3. Blank Stare

Chapter 3 – Blank Stare

The black sphere lay on the table surface, hard, dark and shining under the light of the setting sun through the circular window. Your heart was thumping in your chest and a lump in your throat as you stared wide eyed at the mask. You gulped down the feeling of a sandstone boulder in your throat before slowly raising your vision the black mass sitting at the breakfast bar. A shaky breath left your lips, a tremble at your fingertips. This wasn’t what you’d expected, he was human beyond the mask and not just any human, a breath takingly handsome human.

His dark eyes were on you, balls of coal, dark, endless. Eyes you could get lost in and never return. It was like you had been hit with a stun gun or something as you stood stupidly before him eyes taking in every detail of his face. The dark long waves framing his face, the large defining nose that fit perfectly, the fullness of his lips that were taunt and in a straight line, emotionless. It looked like he had been carved by the star angels, each freckle perfectly placed forming his own personal star constellation on his face. His full, dark brows furrowed, and frown lines appeared on his forehead as his lips became a tight, tense line.

Fresh and dried blood rested at his temple with a slow trickle slipping over his defined cheekbone. You watched it with you lip sucked in. Your body vibrated with nervous energy as you finally released a held breath and closed the space between yourself and the commander of the First Order. Your fingers fumbled to open the carrier as you clumsily searched for antiseptic solution and sticker stitches. You doused the sterile gauze with the solution and slowly met his gaze, “This isn’t going to feel pleasant.” You warned. The line of blood had made its way to the collar of his robes and your mind couldn’t help but wonder if beneath those robes he was as beautiful as the small amount of him you could see. An annoyed rumble formed in his throat, you shook your head as your cheeks heated and flushing a vibrant shade of red. You done everything you could to avoid his stare, but you could feel his dark eyes on you.

“Don’t you have medic droids?” His baritone voice echoed throughout the room.

“You’re stuck with me unfortunately!” You said with a nervous giggle, eyes still avoiding his.

You inched closer to the one and only Kylo Ren, eyes focusing on his blood-stained temple. You took in a big breath of air for luck before pressing the gauze to his wound. You let out a long sigh as you remained breathing still, eyeing him with confusion in your peripheral vision. Deadpan. He made no reaction to the antiseptic solution that you knew full well stung like a bitch and you had a high pain threshold.

_Maybe he’s not human. Can droids bleed?_

Your thoughts wandered to the myths and legends of the Siths back in the time of the empire. One Sith came to mind; Darth Vader, it was said he was half man, half droid. His suit keeping him alive after a battle that should have killed him.

An aggravated hum pulled you from your thoughts. Your eyes widened as you realised you had been stood there in thought pushing the same stained gauze into the commanders’ head.

“Sorry!” you panic whispered before obtaining a fresh gauze to continue cleaning him up. Just as your hand was about to touch his cheek an invisible force held you in place, you couldn’t move. Fear shot up your spine, chest tight and heart pounding.

“Enough.” He demanded; voice filled with frustration. Across the table his large gloved hand pushed a water satchel, some fancy First Order protein bars and what you estimated to be 100 credits. “I assume this will be enough. Now, my ship?”

You nodded. “Ofcourse sir.” You quickly glugged at the water. It was ecstasy as the smooth, fresh liquid glided down your throat. The food bar was much more appetising than it looked, it was sweet and tangy, reminding you of a strawberry blue milk cake. Kylo Ren followed you out the door re-adjusting his helmet once again, his cape billowing behind him with each stride. As the suns of Jakku were starting to set and the air had become much more breathable. Kylo Rens intimidating ship looked immaculate considering a few hours ago half of its wing had been engulfed in flames.

You ran your hand along the Silencers damaged wing blades. To an untrained eye it would look fine, perfect in fact but with your years of scavenging you knew it was far from it. Easily repairable and totally still useable but it needed to be made safe for flight. From your belt you pulled out a few tools and fiddled with the wing blade until it slid off into your hands. Attaching some pullies through it you then hauled it over your shoulder, muscles groaning with the additional weight and exhaustion. You could feel his eyes on you, watching, judging every movement, every choice you made. It was an additional effort to keep your mind free of thoughts, well at least insults that he would undoubtably hear or should you say invade.

“This won’t take long.” You muttered as you went back to the Y-Wing finding a suitable match that was in a useable condition.

The Commander of the First Order towered over you watching intensely, barely giving you space to breathe. You hated anyone invading your own personal bubble, but he must have been the worst with the egotistical energy he pulsated around him. You muffled a laugh under your breath making out you had a tickle in your throat as you thought about him having his own gravitational pull with his own personal star system circling around him.

“Something amuses you?” He questioned but made it sound like a statement.

“Nope.” You chimed, wiping your forehead as you had just finished polishing the Y-Wing blade. You could see your reflection in his visor.

_Great, polishing oil is the hardest to get off skin._ You grumbled in your head as you noticed the smear of oil across your forehead.

In a matter of minutes, you installed the blade and done some safety protocol test runs. Happy enough with your work you brushed off debris and remainder oil from your hands down your legging pants.

“Done,” you let out an exhausted sigh. “Now let’s pretend this never happened, we never met, nothing.” You extended you hand as a consenting agreement to forgetting this encounter.

The invisible force you had experience before returned, swatting your hand down. “No formalities are needed for that scavenger.” Was his curt response. “Test it.”

“What?!” You choked. “I just fixed that bloody thing for you. I’ve done the essential test runs that are used for any flying vehicle.” Anger bubbled in your chest.

“Test. It.” His modulated voice was filled with annoyance.

Before you could even respond you were suspended in the air being thrown into the Silencers seat. _He could have at least been a little gentler._ You grumbled in your mind rubbing the tender spot on the back of your head that had collided with the firm leather of the pilot seat.

“I don’t know how to fly.” You shouted down to him, throwing your hands in the air with frustration.

You watched the commander on the ground, darkness was setting in around you and all you wanted was to go back to your hut, have a shower and crawl into bed feeling sorry for yourself over this whole ordeal.

“Start the ship.” He mustered. Humming in annoyance you flicked on the engine switch and the ship vibrated with life beneath you. _So far so good._ You pushed a few of the obvious buttons and flicked the safety switches ready for the great Kylo Ren.

“Happy? It has not blown up! Everything is running as it should.” You shouted down climbing from the seat and jumping to the dirt with a thud.

He hummed in approval or at least understanding that you were not trying to blow up the Commander of the First Order and force jumped onto the ship. You could see him musing over or the analytics and safety system results before closing the pilots window.

“Bye then.” You rolled your eyes, turning your back and heading towards your safe haven.

You threw yourself down onto your cot, the canvas sheets were rough and itchy but right now, after the last few hours you have endured it felt like Egyptian cotton. Your hands grazed against the fabric tickling at your nerves in your hands. They were tender and swollen. Definitely time for that soak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this has taken so long to upload!
> 
> Finishing things off for my teacher training in September, life, kids, everything has been super hectic!
> 
> I hope you enjoy this. Please give me any constructive criticism, any requests, ect.. :)


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